Word Weld

When I was in college, everyone wanted to get married. At least, all of my friends did. Most of the other people around us did too, though some just wanted girl- or boy- friends to goof off with and some people just wanted to use one another. But those at least in my group, and many others too, were serious about finding a wife or husband. Some were able to pretty readily, while others wondered if they ever would. Most of my friends did get married, but there were others who didn’t. They just couldn’t find someone. I heard about other people too, who left college and went on to be Facebook junkies, repeatedly posting pictures of themselves and numerous articles or status updates about how they were waiting for the right person or about how there are no good men (or women) out there and that it’s therefore their high and noble calling to “be single.”

Interesting idea. Is being single a high and noble calling? Is it superior to being married? Does it take a special person to be single, or to be married?

I’ve often wondered about that, especially since in 1 Corinthians chapter 7 we read how Paul had no wife and that he wished all could be like him in that regard. Since he was inspired by God, it would seem that God shares this view. And yet, it was God who created woman for man, sharing this very clear thought:

And the Lord God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.”
-Genesis 2:18

And in Proverbs we read:

He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord.
-Proverbs 18:22

So, to be blunt, which is it? Is being married superior? Should we all be running around like at college trying desperately to find a spouse? Or is being single a high and lonely calling, an elite class of society to which us married folk could not attain?

I believe the truth of the matter is to be found in Paul’s letter also, but it is often skipped over or misunderstood because we read his initial rather surprising words and don’t think about the context. There are a number of different factors contributing to the ultimate truth which Paul sums up in verse 7:

For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that.
-1 Corinthians 7:7

The truth of the matter, before I tackle the details, is in the second half of the verse. We see the first half and get stumped, but the full answer is immediately following: every man (or woman) has his proper gift of God. What does that mean? Does it mean that being single is a special gift from God. Yes. But, so is being married.

See, here’s the thing, we feel pressure from outside sources, which conflicts with our internal gift. At college, we were constantly being told that we should take people on the school’s date outings and to church in order to find a wife. It was almost like a selling point of the school. Other people not in college get pressure from their family or church to get married, or from married friends. On the other hand, single people who wish they were married band together (as they did at college) and because they can’t seem to find anyone, try to build up their position as one of spiritual superiority, but in reality it’s just to make themselves feel better about the fact they haven’t gotten married yet. Let’s be clear, people who wish they could get married but pretend that they don’t just to make themselves feel better do not have the gift of going it alone. These people are just masking their longing. And people who get married out of pressure from relations are in for an even worse situation, since they will end up with a lifelong problem and heaps of responsibility they weren’t meant to bear.

Let’s also tackle another point while we’re here: the gift of singleness (for lack of a better term) is not superior to the gift of marriage. However, it is more rare. Did you catch that? The gift of being married is by nature more common, though it is not inferior (or superior) to being single. How do I come to that conclusion? Is it just because I happen to see that most people are married or have been at one point (really they still are)? No, because there is societal pressure, which of late has decreased, to get married when we reach a certain age. So where did I get that? Well, it’s because of our physical appetites. Paul fittingly calls it “burning.”

But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.
-1 Corinthians 7:9

Paul is talking here about our natural, God-given need to procreate. Remember when God told Adam and Eve to be “fruitful and multiply?” Well, He gave us some programming to get the job done better. Men and women are naturally physically attracted to one another, and for someone to not be physically attracted to members of the opposite sex, or to have strength of will sufficient to suppress or deny it is quite rare. That is why people with the gift of marriage will always outnumber people with the gift of singleness, despite the fact that neither is superior. Remember, Paul said that God has specifically chosen what kind of person each of us will be.

But, doesn’t Paul sound like he thinks single people are superior? I mean, he even says that he wishes everybody could be like him! This is true, because Paul was a missionary, and from a missionary standpoint, the ability to remain single was superior for that task. And it still is. Now, for missionaries to England or Finland or Canada, being married isn’t that big a drawback, and you can find it profitable to be able to support each other, but if you have children, even in a mild society like those mentioned, a missionary family would be less effective than an individual, because children take a tremendous amount of care and responsibility. They are in fact, their own mission field. Now, for someone on a hostile mission field, like Paul, having a family is dangerous and distracting. It is my opinion that among those very few that God has called and gifted to be foreign missionaries, the percentage of those who are called to do so with a family in tow is very, very low. That is because talking a hostile mission field is hard enough alone, but add to that the responsibility of family and deliberately placing them in harm’s way, and a couple must be very careful that they are sure God has called them to go to such a field. It is not impossible, but to be honest, it can be simply irresponsible to take one’s family to a dangerous part of the world unless one is 100% sure of God’s calling. But I’m not getting to into that because missions is an article for another day.

The point is, God gives us the ability to sustain a marriage, or to be single. Being single is difficult, and lonely, it is true, but marriage is difficult in its own, unique way, as any married couple will attest. It takes a real commitment, prayer, and work to maintain a healthy marriage, just as it takes a real commitment, prayer, and work to deny one’s natural physical desires and endure loneliness and hardship on a foreign mission field. Not saying that every single person is meant to be a missionary, by the way, but I believe the vast majority of missionaries should be single, be they man or woman, simply based on Paul’s recommendation. That way an individual can devote themselves wholly to the people they are witnessing to, without any internal responsibility or concern for a wife or children.

Paul sums up all of this up for us later on in chapter 7:

But as God hath distributed to every man, as the Lord hath called every one, so let him walk. And so ordain I in all churches.
-1 Corinthians 7:17

Let every man abide in the same calling wherein he was called.
-1 Corinthians 7:20

Remember, Paul’s context here is marriage or singleness. God has enabled us to serve Him in specific ways, which He has determined in advance. God gives us our ability to be married or single, and how we are to serve Him in either case. Our good works may differ, but neither are less or more important, no matter how many people are or are not in the same situation. People with the ability to be single are rare, but they are no greater than people with the ability to raise a family. And people gifted with the ability to be single are not inferior because they aren’t responsible for other people. (Please note that I am using the title “people gifted to be single” or an equivalent, rather than just “single people.” “Single people” are simply people who are not married. They may or may not have a gift for being single. Many are meant to be married but for whatever reason are simply not. Maybe it isn’t God’s timing, or maybe something about them is standing in the way. Only each individual can know)

Paul goes on to say:

Art thou bound unto a wife? seek not to be loosed. Art thou loosed from a wife? seek not a wife.

But and if thou marry, thou hast not sinned; and if a virgin marry, she hath not sinned. Nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh: but I spare you.
1 Corinthians 7:27-28

Aha! Paul says people who marry will have trouble! That means single gifted people are better, right? No. He’s just saying that married people will have trouble in the flesh, referring to the difficulties that arise from marriage, difficulties that Paul himself would rather not have, as he was gifted to be single, which is why he adds that he “spares us.”

Remember, Paul states in verse 35 that he says all of this not to “cast a snare” for us. None of this is meant to be a debate or confusing, but to help us to fulfill our gift in contentment, be it to marry or be single. Paul was consumed with the work of the Lord, which was of course a high calling, but Paul had never been married and didn’t know the joys or ministry of being married, only that God had called some people to it. We tend to want our gifts, joys, and labors for others too. That’s why married people often join in pressuring single people to be married, when we really shouldn’t. Paul says several times in this chapter to abide in whatever calling we have been given, and not to seek the opposite. Paul did prefer to be single, because it was his gift, and just like married people today, believed it was the best way to be, but even he stated correctly that each was its own calling, and that one shouldn’t wish to be single or married, but to be whatever God had called one to be.

So are you single? Maybe you’re meant to be, or maybe you’re waiting for God’s timing. But if you do have a deep longing to be married, don’t mask it behind a false sense of spirituality. Just pray and wait for God’s choice, and God will deliver. He always gives you what is best for you, and if you ask Him for what is already within His will for you, your prayers will be answered. And if you’re meant to be single, praise God, because you do have a high and noble calling, just like marriage, but it is also a rare calling, and God will use you in powerful ways.

Are you married? You are just as much a missionary to the souls under your care, be it your wife or your children, and while you will have conflict and trouble because of your responsibilities, your spouse and your children are gifts of God, and raising them is a powerful, full-time commitment.

I say with Paul, “Let every man abide in the same calling wherein he was called.”